Thursday, May 14, 2009

Sometimes It's Just Too Much...

I haven’t blogged in awhile and have been pondering why I haven’t been motivated and feeling like I don’t have much to write about. My husband keeps telling me there’s so much to blog about but yet I’ve felt empty. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought knowing that there is a lot going on in the world of infertility and began observing my life and this is what I discovered…

I wake up every morning, get my cup of coffee and begin the ritual – emails consisting of Google Alerts on infertility, egg donation, surrogacy and psychological evaluations. I read blogs and news articles. I check list-servers. From there, I move onto Facebook and view the various articles my Facebook friends have posted. Next its Twitter – often repeats of previously viewed articles. At this point, I begin to re-tweet and re-post articles on Facebook that I have found interesting. Next, I often feel compelled to comment on various articles that others have posted. Soon I am noticing that others are reposting links that I have posted, which is usually validating.

Time out now, have to get the family ready for the day – pack lunches, make breakfast and get everyone off to school.

Next cup of coffee – back to checking emails, various alerts, and viewing new tweets. Now I start talking with donors and surrogates, scoring MMPIs and writing up evaluations on the mental well being of others.

I’m still reading Google alerts, tweets, blogs, Facebook statuses and comments of various links. Everyone has something to say about everything. Information is coming at me from all angles and I can’t seem to stop reading and updating. I have a fear I may miss a ground-breaking story but yet there are only 800 alerts about Sarah Jessica Parker having twins via a surrogate – old news now!

It’s lunchtime – peace and quiet – but I can’t help myself – I have my phone, which allows me to check email, Facebook and Twitter – why can’t I just relax and not check - but it calls to me. So much information and I’m still processing the morning information but on Twitter that’s old news already!

More work in the afternoon and soon I have picked up my kids, done homework and made dinner and gotten everyone off to bed – perhaps one last check on the computer and I’m still processing. How can I possibly come up with any original thoughts – it seems anything I might have thought throughout the day has already been posted or blogged by someone else. I feel ignorant for not having an original thought. Funny that I could feel ignorant when I’ve spent the entire day educating myself? Then, it starts all over again the next day.

When I began working in the field of infertility, it was because of my own experience with infertility. I have always said the greatest lesson I learned from experiencing infertility was learning how to relinquish control over the things I had no control of. I remember the years of wondering why I couldn’t get pregnant or keep a pregnancy. I read a million articles, asked a million questions and drove several doctors insane. If I just had enough knowledge, then I could solve it. Isn’t that what I had learned in college? I’ve learned that didn’t work. I learned to take a lot of deep breaths. I’ve learned that if you get too caught up with information that you may just be missing the life you have in front of you.

To my colleagues, clients and friends, the information will continue to come to us. I will continue to stay current but have learned that perhaps I don’t have too much to say because I’m too busy processing all the information. I’m learning to filter – learning to delete certain alerts, not to respond to every post and comment. It’s okay to skip Twitter once a while – like I learned in my training – if it’s important it will come up again!

I’m going to take the time to enjoy my work, my family and my life. Lesson learned - when there is something important to share – I promise I will. I just did!